How to overcome our marriage phobia...

11 weeks ago we had a wonderful weekend camping and trekking together in Yerba Loca with little Mario. As the 3 of us were cuddling up in the tent, trying to keep warm-up in the cold night, in a valley at about 2800m, we decided (democratically ;o)) to get married... Mario started this conversation and then fell asleep.

We have been together (pretty much every day and night) for 5 years now and we respect each other and enjoy each others’ company. But we are not big fans of the traditional wedding concept for the reasons outlined below...

First of all, marriage is not an egalitarian institution. In most countries, gays, lesbians and transsexuals (which can make a significant percentage of the population) cannot get married. And yet, the evidence is there that gender identity does not work in binary. Neither can people who live in other arrangements such as polyamory. Most people fall in love and may want to raise a family but some are denied protection of their interests and recognition of their commitment to each other by law. Supporting marriage can be seen as a way of supporting a discriminatory institution or total disregard for the rights of those that do not fall in the “norm” (not to be confused with normal).

Second, it is a big waste of valuable resources. Lots of money (and carbon emissions) are wasted by:

1. Getting a dress that most women only wear once (same for shoes, suit, tie, underwear and the lot); 
2. Getting gold rings that most likely come from non-ethical mining practices... is there any ethical gold out there?! Why would you mine a largely useless metal?  Gold ore dumps are considered as long term man made hazardous waste next only to nuclear waste dumps; 
3. Organising a party for lots of people that the couple may or may not like but they invite to avoid offending them or others in their family. Not to mention unsustainable food that often causes soil degradation, almost always causes animal abuse and supports the chemical and oil industries.

It also creates a toxic environment where resources are put into the silly competition of who looks the prettiest or spends the most money on their wedding arrangements... There is also an INCORRECT assumption that all women want to be princesses for one day and they dream of this day since childhood. But some of us are concerned with other issues: global warming, collapse of ecosystems, peak-oil, world poverty, hunger, human and non-human abuse and torture, arms trade, war, depletion of the oceans, nuclear waste, nuclear weapons... Aesthetics and beauty are probably the most overvalued qualities in and by human beings. Empathy may well be the most undervalued.

The last thing that makes us uncomfortable is the assumption (of society) that these people belong to each other and often, after a wedding they feel they can invade each others’ personal space or take each other for granted (wedding rings are likely a big contributor to this, a way of a person marking their territory on another person, sort of what we do with dogs when we give them a collar...)

If 2 people are committed to each other, they should be able to make a quick and easy arrangement that legally formalises this commitment.  For us, marriage should be merely a practical deal that protects all members of a partnership (this could at times be more than 2!) and their hypothetical dependants when that partnership is broken due to external causes (death/injury) or internal causes (one or both or more wanting to get out of that pact).

But... in a system where being different is not exactly encouraged, one sometimes needs to make compromises and try to play the system a bit. Therefore, after almost 5 years together we decided we should formalise our arrangement or one day we could find ourselves in a situation, say after an accident or similar, where one of us can’t make an important decision and the other isn’t able to make it on his/her behalf just because we don’t have a silly piece of paper. As you can see, we are not romantic about marriage, but we have a feeling that romanticism is actually a hindrance in the long term as it tends to wear off and can therefore lead to disappointment.

So we wanted to do it a little differently and that is why we got married in Sweden.

 

Sweden allows gay marriage since 2009 (they allow same sex partnerships to adopt children since 2002). Gays and lesbians can even marry in a church (if that is their thing... it is not ours) :o) Instead of the church, we had a wonderful sun and clear sky, the forest, a jetty and a lake:

In line with our location choice, we decided to celebrate in a very intimate circle of only 3 guests to enjoy the tranquillity of the place.

The day started with a 30min run before breakfast. Most guests joined us. We saw some deer along the way (and moose the previous day!)

We did not have tie or suit or silly shoes. We married bare-footed (and most guests followed this trend!) ;o)

Patricia got a dress (that her mum very appropriately chose about 24h before the wedding) for less than €40, she will wear it again, many times until realistically it cannot be worn anymore...

(notice the bouquet of locally source flowers, not from Kenya or Holland)

We did not have our hair done professionally (Patricia cut Christian’s, Christian’s mum cut Patricia’s, Patricia’s mum did her hair on the day and decorated with some wild flowers).

No beauty sessions before or after the wedding... We want to continue to put value into other things than aesthetics and appearance. We also want to stay together into old age, when we are both not so “traditionally beautiful” and we want our wedding to reflect this.

We did not have rings. Instead, we went together for a loop in the freezing cold lake. We were told the buoy we chose to loop around was perhaps a little far for the water temperature but went for it anyways ;o) Won’t be forgetting that one too soon (especially when an attractive man/woman may try to hit on us at some point in the future :op)

After the ceremony we changed into even more sensible clothes (life jackets etc) and went canoeing on the lake. There are a couple of islands, some of which have some really old trees on them and are bird protection areas.

Some people clearly had more fun than others! ;o)

Instead of exuberant catering arrangements, we made some delicious vegan food ourselves. Most ingredients were organic and came from goodstore.se. No animals were eaten or harmed in the process.

Sauna and more lake swimming were for the evening. With the shortest night of the year in the northern hemisphere, the evening sunset was roughly at 22 and the beautiful twilight effect continued past midnight (not a star in sight... the eternal day time).

More photos in slide show below or in higher resolution here: